Journey Begins..

I know I keep feeling lame about my art all the time...and the root of it all is that  my skills are highly lacking and none of the drawings I do seem to turn out anything like how I imagine them like 99% of the times. But no matter what it bowls down to the fact that I love art and it's such a big part of me...no matter how crappy I draw...I always want to paint more..but once I paint something and it doesn't turn out the way I wanted to I just feel really lame. And then next time when I really feel like painting......I can't help but feel a bit scared that it won't turn out how I want it to and I'll feel down about it again.. And then there's the whole thing about whether it ends up looking too animu or something...Frankly speaking, I don't care....I just..want to paint. I don't want to have to worry...Yes I want to develop my own "style", as in my own way of handling things...but I really don't want to feel this weird apprehension towards the thing I love most...painting.

I want to be able to paint all the things I see in my minds eyes, things that I feel and things that inspire me...I want to paint the stories I want to tell....I want to paint the world around me, the I way I see it...

I just want to paint...

What does it really matter? I just wanna paint right? And that's it. So I shouldn't worry about whether it turns out good or whether it ends up looking to animu or sth. Yeah the influence is there, but I'm trying to bring out my other influences more too...I know if I keep drawing more and more, and study and practice more I'll get to a point where I'll be very flexible with drawing and even if I draw without thinking much, it won't turn out looking animu. It'll be some of my own...an amalgamation of all my influences and inspirations...

But I can't expect that to happen in a day. And if I stop painting for fear it'll ending looking bad or in the wrong style, then clearly I'm doing something wrong here. Isn't the idea to draw and paint as much as I want to?

The last two weeks has been a bit difficult for me, because aside from doing studies, I want to paint a lot of random doodles and personal paintings...but it's been tough for me to open PS and try approach a painting because of that fear....but the other day I managed to tell myself I don't care how bad it turns out, I want to paint and learn from it! If I don't try..how do I even expect to improve? So I started painting again..it's a bit slow and even yesterday when I was trying to do a random painting at work I had that apprehensive feeling again, but I didn't pay much attention to it and painted something. And it turned out OK, but more importantly I learned from it....

So yeah, since I love to paint....I shouldn't worry about how it turns out. I enjoy the process right? I enjoy the act of painting itself. I shouldn't dwell too much on a single painting...so it ruins my mood and prevents me from painting and doing my usual stuff like coming up with stories and so on...If a painting/writing/anything I make turns out lame, then I should just move on and make more better stuff...and learn from my previous works.

SO! I'll be painting and drawing as much as I can....not sure if I'll be posting whatever I paint, but it's okay. I'll post things that I feel like posting and have fun with drawing painting and all the things I enjoy doing instead of feeling worried about how it should turn out. And ofcourse be myself. And since I'm trying to find myself in my art, it's important I be true to myself when I paint.

Guess it's the start of yet another new journey, this time to find myself in my art. Lots of experimentation, studies and practicin to do...but hey I'll do me best and enjoy the journey and learn from it as much as I can..

Peace out,
Mony

Lost Melody

Where did the music go...
Where did the feeling go..
Trailings notes found nowhere to follow...

How do I find my way back?
All I can remember is the tune..
Playing absently in my mind
Tugging at my heartstrings..
Taking me back in time
Leaving me hollow inside.

For the melody I can no longer seem to find
It's so hard to make sense of all the chaos inside
Where are the lost dreams?
And the times I'd imagine that there are no seams
No boundaries or any themes
Just the melody and nothing else

Drowning in the melody and losing myself in the music..

Where has it all gone...and where do I find it again?
Where do I find myself again..

As the remnants of the lost tune play in my mind
All I can think of are the happy carefree days
And wonder when I'll find my melody again...

For now I can just keep struggling
In this dark abyss
Trying to find the lost melody.
Trying to find myself.