ughh

I've had a really tiring day.....and gosh there's so much I want to do....but man I'm tired and I'm sleepy.....and dayum why do my cg and animation skills suck so bad...idk wtf man....

//rant// Proceed with caution

Meh

Me: Projects manifest themselves right before deadlines...
Big bro: Well that's life...
Me: yeah..
[ Rant ahead, proceed with caution]

UGH

[rant]

Some thoughts...

I really should draw more often...and I shouldn't be afraid of them turning out bad...it's like a really lame vicious cycle...I have an idea or an urge to draw and then I try drawing something...it doesn't turn out nice..or not like how I wanted it to be...and I end up feeling lame. And then I don't feel like drawing much even tho I really want to draw....okay that makes no sense what so ever but see that's the paradox....I want to draw and yet this stupid thought that they might not turn out to my liking kinda kills my mood most of the times...So I'm going to let go of this stupid fear/worry/thought whatever you call it and just have fun drawing.....A crappy picture is better than no picture at all right? And the more I'll draw, the more better I'll get. Of course that's not to say if I keep drawing the same old girls all the flippin time I'll get any better at drawing other stuff...I want to get better at drawing in general so I can draw anything I want to draw any way I want to draw....not be restricted to drawing the same ol thing over and over again. That's not what I strive for. And there are all these things I  want to get better at....animation, cg(2D and 3D both), writing, programming, playin my guitar..etc etc a whole lot of other things...sure I can't be a master of em all, and I don't have to be. I love em and that is why I want to keep doing them always. I can't get better in any of them unless I stop being a lazy arse slacker of a kid....there are all these people who believe in me...and want me to be the best that I can be...I can't express in words how thankful I am to have such incredible people in my life......I'm sorry for bein such a lamo kid.... But yeah so from now I'll draw as much as I can, whenever I can....and practice animation and modeling/rendering at a regular basis....(well sculptin until my Maya at home starts workin :c) And most importantly have fun with em! Isn't that how it all started? Because they're all something I loved and enjoy playing around with? So yeah...I miss that...a whole effin lot...at the end of the day if I end up not doin any of these, I'm the one who's sadder....So yeah, time ta break free of all worries and negativities and let go...and keep moving forwards towards my own path and do my very best! Can't lose sight of my dreams and things I love....geez I'm such a dumbass at times..but yeah  it's time to be me again. And keep moving forwards and not stand still no more :I  Huzzah! I'll do my very best and make ya guys proud!

Mony teh kid over and out
Ciao fer now

Some stuff...

I don't know why this crap has to repeat itself over and over again. I'll probably sound like an arse for saying this and there are people who lead worse lives..but it's my life and I know what I'm going through..so this has to be said. Why can't my life be normal for a change? Why must all these shitty complications seep in? WHY? Why must you do this to us? Because of you grown ups us kids have to suffer. What's with this awkward tension you're creating? So many whys huh. Oh well this has been bugging me for the past 1 month or so. Have to get it out.

For quite a while now of my close relatives is behaving really weirdly and a few others are acting weird too and this is creating an awkward tension within my family. Worst part is it's making communication between us kids weirder. I can hardly get to meet my cousins. I miss them a lot, but I think my little brother misses them even more since he doesn't have anyone to play with these days. Sure you can say he's got me...but I've been so busy with my exams coming up and all.....I hardly get to spend much time with him. Plus since we moved to a new place, don't have a tv yet and he's not supposed to play games on the computer all the time. Even though we share the same room we don't get to play games or do much together nowadays. Though I still try to talk with him as much as possible. But I do miss those fun evenings when us 5 would play some board game, talk, laugh and just have a great time together. And here I thought now that we moved and are a lot closer we'd be able to visit each other more often...but guess what? The opposite happens. We hardly get to meet...ever I:< Dang grown ups and their silly schemes. Stop friggin making life awkward for us kids :< As if life ain't weird enough as it is.

And I hardly get to meet any of my friends either. Either they live too far, too busy or just live abroad. Having friends come over to your place regularly is like stuff you hear in legends for me. Having them come over once is like too good to be true. Getting to meet em is also the same. That's how it is for me. And now that I hardly go to school I don't get to meet anyone. I miss the fun times I used to have in school, mind you I had a lotta crappy times at school too...but then obviously I wouldn't think fondly of those times right? I miss the times I spent with my friends at school, miss eating tiffin at school, miss drawing at school...and miss doing school homework even. Wow heh. My A-level experience has been shitty, I kid you not. And after my O-levels I though A-levels would be even better, the teachers would be more serious and be more willing to teach...couldn't have been more wrong. They were even worse, would hardly teach stuff in school. And slowly people stopped attending classes. Me and my friend would often be the only people going to class...then the classes hardly happened. Then even we stopped going to school...it was tough for me to do that but when school wasn't like school anymore what use was of me going there to everyday? Out of bitterness I stopped going to school. And I hate coaching so couldn't be arsed to go there either. So where do I go?

Well I stay at home all day is what. Which is fine an all that but sheesh .... I just miss everyone a lot...my friends, my cousins. It's been so long. Been feeling so detached from everything. Miss doing stuff I like on the computer too without having to get worried about being busted....like playing games, reading books, comics, animating, doodling, etc etc. The internet is supposed to help you keep in touch with your friends, but how does one keep in touch when people either don't come online or don't reply? Ah don't mind me, I'm just ranting here. I guess I've just been stuck in the A-level loop for too long. Can't wait till my exams finish. My brain's just in a knot right now I think. I guess I'll just do nothing and doodle complete random stuff all day for a few days and play games and do nothing much and just relax and let my mind untie all the knots by itself. Yeahh.

But for now I gotta remind myself, this time won't come back to me so I gotta make the best out of it and make sure to learn all the stuff and get my subject revisions done before my exams start. So that I don't feel like I could've studied a bit more during my exams. Because that feeling sucks. Normally I can't be bothered to worry about my results, but that nagging feeling is indeed quite annoying. So yeah I gotta get my revision done. But I'm glad I took some time out to write this because I feel a lot better after getting it all out. This stuff has been churning in my mind for a while now and I couldn't take it anymore. So had to let it out.

I guess everything will be okay, just a matter of time. But it seems to be taking quite a while till my exams finish heh. Oh well.

Sleeeepy o_O

I feel so sleepy I don't even...my sleeping pattern's gone down the drain. I can't even keep my eyes open even though I slept from 5:30pm in the afternoon till 8:30pm at night. Okay so that's 3 hours..still I can't believe I'm feeling this sleepy at this time of the day. It's not even 10pm yet. Maaaan this sucks. I don't even feel like doing anything. Just feel like dropping off to sleep. Hmm the last few days I've been waking up around 8:30 or 9am even if I went to sleep at like 4:30/5am...o_O It's not like I wasn't sleepy..I was really really sleepy but I couldn't sleep. Maybe I woke up cause I was hungry..This just sucks. Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight. 

Aside from that I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this normal distribution thingy. Though it's still a pain in the butts. I got so much to study and yet I'm feeling so sleepy....sheesh.

Well see ya
Ciao
Super sleepy Mony signing off.