Hmm

There's so much I have to say,
But for now I'll just let the lost melody play
In my mind,
Over and over again,
The music pours.
Cascading all over -
My heart;
Evoking dreams and memories from long ago
Things that I can't forgo
No matter how much time passes by...

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Music is just so powerful..they evoke so many emotions and memories and long lost dreams...
I want to write so much...there's so much I want to say...but I can't seem to get them out. So how are things with me nowadays? It's alright, this weird balance between crazy and good. My mind wanders all over the place as before and my emotions are all over the place. I don't even know what to say anymore. I guess I'll need to wrap up the freelance stuff I'm doing and not do any for a good long while...and take some time off of work. I need to lose myself in my short film project and just do my thing.

There's all these things I want to do...but there are so many distractions....too many things I'm supposed to do for folks...articles, drawings, etc..and this stuff ain't even client work. Which is fine an all..but I just need to be able to forget about all this for a while and just lose myself in my paintings and music and paint/animate to my heart's content. Need to clear stuff up huh..

Trust me, I've learnt my lesson, not taking any requests anytime soon. Maybe other folks can make time for it, but it's just not workin for me...Too many things I need to focus on instead....right now my mind is all over the place. I need to start doing things one step at a time and build up my confidence that yes I can get things done and that it's not another thing I'll never get around to doing. I hate that feeling. It's my fault ofcourse, biting off more than I can chew...but well I'll have to put it to right myself...

 

Journey Begins..

I know I keep feeling lame about my art all the time...and the root of it all is that  my skills are highly lacking and none of the drawings I do seem to turn out anything like how I imagine them like 99% of the times. But no matter what it bowls down to the fact that I love art and it's such a big part of me...no matter how crappy I draw...I always want to paint more..but once I paint something and it doesn't turn out the way I wanted to I just feel really lame. And then next time when I really feel like painting......I can't help but feel a bit scared that it won't turn out how I want it to and I'll feel down about it again.. And then there's the whole thing about whether it ends up looking too animu or something...Frankly speaking, I don't care....I just..want to paint. I don't want to have to worry...Yes I want to develop my own "style", as in my own way of handling things...but I really don't want to feel this weird apprehension towards the thing I love most...painting.

I want to be able to paint all the things I see in my minds eyes, things that I feel and things that inspire me...I want to paint the stories I want to tell....I want to paint the world around me, the I way I see it...

I just want to paint...

What does it really matter? I just wanna paint right? And that's it. So I shouldn't worry about whether it turns out good or whether it ends up looking to animu or sth. Yeah the influence is there, but I'm trying to bring out my other influences more too...I know if I keep drawing more and more, and study and practice more I'll get to a point where I'll be very flexible with drawing and even if I draw without thinking much, it won't turn out looking animu. It'll be some of my own...an amalgamation of all my influences and inspirations...

But I can't expect that to happen in a day. And if I stop painting for fear it'll ending looking bad or in the wrong style, then clearly I'm doing something wrong here. Isn't the idea to draw and paint as much as I want to?

The last two weeks has been a bit difficult for me, because aside from doing studies, I want to paint a lot of random doodles and personal paintings...but it's been tough for me to open PS and try approach a painting because of that fear....but the other day I managed to tell myself I don't care how bad it turns out, I want to paint and learn from it! If I don't try..how do I even expect to improve? So I started painting again..it's a bit slow and even yesterday when I was trying to do a random painting at work I had that apprehensive feeling again, but I didn't pay much attention to it and painted something. And it turned out OK, but more importantly I learned from it....

So yeah, since I love to paint....I shouldn't worry about how it turns out. I enjoy the process right? I enjoy the act of painting itself. I shouldn't dwell too much on a single painting...so it ruins my mood and prevents me from painting and doing my usual stuff like coming up with stories and so on...If a painting/writing/anything I make turns out lame, then I should just move on and make more better stuff...and learn from my previous works.

SO! I'll be painting and drawing as much as I can....not sure if I'll be posting whatever I paint, but it's okay. I'll post things that I feel like posting and have fun with drawing painting and all the things I enjoy doing instead of feeling worried about how it should turn out. And ofcourse be myself. And since I'm trying to find myself in my art, it's important I be true to myself when I paint.

Guess it's the start of yet another new journey, this time to find myself in my art. Lots of experimentation, studies and practicin to do...but hey I'll do me best and enjoy the journey and learn from it as much as I can..

Peace out,
Mony

Lost Melody

Where did the music go...
Where did the feeling go..
Trailings notes found nowhere to follow...

How do I find my way back?
All I can remember is the tune..
Playing absently in my mind
Tugging at my heartstrings..
Taking me back in time
Leaving me hollow inside.

For the melody I can no longer seem to find
It's so hard to make sense of all the chaos inside
Where are the lost dreams?
And the times I'd imagine that there are no seams
No boundaries or any themes
Just the melody and nothing else

Drowning in the melody and losing myself in the music..

Where has it all gone...and where do I find it again?
Where do I find myself again..

As the remnants of the lost tune play in my mind
All I can think of are the happy carefree days
And wonder when I'll find my melody again...

For now I can just keep struggling
In this dark abyss
Trying to find the lost melody.
Trying to find myself.

Holding on and letting go

It's been a bit of a weird balance so far, trying to hold on and let go at the same time. Holding on to the things you believe in, holding onto the things you love....and trying to let go of certain attachments. Attachments that seemingly don't do you any good. Attachment towards things that are seemingly none of your business. Best to let go of them right? RIGHT?

You care for people a lot, but there's really no need to care for what they do right? But what if their actions have an impact on you and others around you? What then?

Yeah...I said trying because it hasn't been easy so far. Everyday I wake up and think I'll accomplish such and such...but I don't know what's up with me anymore.....my emotions seem to go down this weird rollercoaster ride throughout the day. One moment I feel really happy and then next moment I realise what an insignificant piece of trash I am. No matter how much of a big fuss folks make about me, I'll know who I really am.

Whether you take me for an attention seeker or just some dumbass is none of my business. No matter how much people judge you, you're probably the only one who should atleast not. Judge. Yourself. Because you know what you feel, what you've been and are going through. What you're trying to do and what you're not. You know who you are and that is all that matters, right? Guess so.

As I keep walking through the abyss that is life, I realise that maybe certain things are better left unsaid. Unheard. Unseen. What does it matter anyway? I keep wishing I hadn't heard certain things, hadn't seen certain things and hadn't said certain things.

Today my right hand got injured from a weird mishap. I was trying to stop a quarrel of sorts...and it kinda backfired. Now my right hand aches so much, it's tough to bend my fingers, exert any force with them or do anything much aside from tap lightly. And until that time I was having a pretty okay day..as far as days go. But at that point in time, my emotions got all messed up and suddenly I felt awful. The whole moment was just that. Awful.

After a while things calmed down, but the aftermath was there. My hand and the bruise on my right index finger. Every time I look at it I get this weird pang...I don't want any of this to happen. I just want things to be normal for a change. I'm just a normal kid who likes to draw and stuff. That really is about it. I just wanna be in my happy place and draw, animate and write the story ideas that I get in my head...

But..with my emotions going haywire on a day to day basis, it's tough to find the peace of mind at any right moment where I can just sit and do that. Either I have one thing or the other to do or I feel like crap....and then by the time the day is over I end up feeling meh yet again. Weird phase...maybe it'll go away or maybe I'll learn to adapt to it..ah.

If anyone asks me how am I doing right now, I usually reply with a I'm okay or I'm alive. But how am I doing indeed? If I ask myself, how would I answer?

I'd say that I'm trying to hold on and trying to let go. I'm trying to find myself again in this chaotic abyss. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm trying to be myself again.

 This post could be a lot longer and I could keep rantin on but nevermind. All I can keep doing is continue to try to find balance within myself...there, half way through the first quarter of the year and I've already nearly forgotten about that. So I guess I'll have to remember that. No matter what who does or says, I'll have to remember to keep on my quest to find balance within. And to find happiness within the things I enjoy and not worry too much about the crap happening around. And to take in the positivity around and focus on it as opposed to the negativity.

Guess I should stop dwelling on certain thoughts and things..and let go.
Ah letting go..y u so tough?

Oh well..
Till next time,
Moony

So New Year an all

Ah another year passed by....and I feel all contemplative and stuff...
Well last year seemingly passed by really fast, but it was quite the year. A lotta stuff happened...experienced some really low moments and some really amazing moments. Managed my first project at work, started working on my film project again, got somewhat better at lighting and rendering, started learning animation again and one of the biggest highlights - Gave a talk at TEDxDhaka. That was one amazing day *drowns in nostalgia*

I know I normally make all these New Year's Resolutions at the beginning of every year, and while I didn't fulfill em all, I tried to fulfill as many as I could and some I could fulfill to a certain extent. My main resolution for this year is to be more organised and bring balance to myself. 

There's one thing I kinda realised...and it's that...not everything lasts forever. The only thing that does is the moment. Nothing can take away the moment, and memories of your favourite moments stay on right? So I'd like to live more in the moment and enjoy them instead of wondering how long they'll last and what not. Seriously, what's the use?

But here be my general New Year's Resolutions:

1) Finish my film! (YEAUHH)
2) Improve on my gesture, figure drawing, and BG drawing skills (w perspective an all)
3) Paint more of the stuff I liek, like game fanarts and other random ideas I got
4) Go to Gobelins! (Well I'll apply anyway XD)
5) Improve on my 3D CG skills
6) Animate moar! OAO
7) Write more stories
8) Start workin on my graphic novel idea from a few years back
9) Save up moneyss
10) Play more games and watch more cool shows :3
11) Eat healthy (gotta lose weight too xD)
12) Try entering some contests.
13) Make a reel! :D
14) And be myself : )

I can keep talking on and on, but I'd rather go paint something now. But what I want to say is that, come what may, I'll do my best and keep chasin my dreams and walking my path...and give it my best!

Thanks a lot to everyone who make my days awesome, and who've been supporting and encouraging me all this time...you guys mean the world to me, so thank you *brofist*

Well I'm off now,
Onwards to the New Year!
Ciaossu!

P.S - Awesome song is awesome

Change

Sometimes it's important to disconnect with everything around you to reconnect with your inner self...especially when you feel so lost.....I kinda did that this weekend and it was amazing, it wasn't a full disconnect....but still tho...I spent all day watching Legend of Korra Book 2 and doodling and listening to the amazing Korra and Avatar soundtrack....and seriously it's inspired me so much. I really wish I could go on a spiritual journey right now...but I can't, but I guess what I can do is....tell the tale of one...Who know's what will come out of that...but hey if you can't journey in the physical world, you can definitely do it in your mind.... I guess I got a story idea, but I need to expand on it. Need some quiet time to sit down, focus and let it flow....

I mean I was in a rut this weekend, but I feel so much better after watch book 2...it was incredibly spiritual and inspiring. And it helped me feel better and calm down....

I feel a lot better and more connected with myself....but I know I need to bring balance to myself if I am to bring balance to my work and the world around me....so I'm going to try to do just that XD

ALSO

THIS
just takes me away to another place...another time...and so inspiring


Eh well...
G'night
Moony out

Lame is an understatement

So apparently yesterday was 11.12.13...everyone was makin a big fuss about it. Guess what? I didn't even realise it was the 11th yesterday...I thought it was still the 10th. I don't know where my head is stuck at. It took me ages to finally convince myself it was 2013, and then before I could get used to it, another new year is seemingly headed towards me at full speed.

Heck, I don't even know how I feel right now...I just got better and then I got stuck with some effed up period again....I feel so lame right now I can't even. I have this project at work that I'm handling and I've gotten sick twice through this project...I can't help it... but I feel really useless. I know I didn't get sick on purpose or anything..it just so happened...awful timing. I just want this project to be over with....

 I'm so uninspired right now....there's so much I want to draw..and animate and create...but everytime I try drawing sth....all I get is nothing. My mind is blank and I feel like crap.

Blergh

....